A Confession


#MasturbationMondayI have a confession to make; something that I just have to get off my chest. I have a dreadful, awful secret that I can no longer keep to myself. I know what I am about to reveal will shock some of you on the grounds that:

  1. I am a sex-blogger; and
  2. I am a man

But I hope you will be able to see past my confession and support me.

So, here it is… *deep breath*

I can’t remember the last time I had a wank.

There, I’ve said it. I feel so much better now.

So what prompted this?

Well, partially it’s because it is, of course, a Monday, which means it’s time for Kayla’s fabulous #MasturbationMonday meme (in which, last week, Kayla did me the great honour of , using one of my photos for the prompt image). Then, today as I was scrolling back through some of my older material, I stumbled across this poll that the wonderful Girl on The Net ran:

Quick poll: how often do you wank? Assuming you’re not having partnered sex at the time.

Well, that finally tipped me over the edge (no, not like that, or I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I? Pay attention at the back there…)

I’ve written before about my “wanking style” but, the sad thing is, in terms of practising the technique, the frequency has dwindled to so rarely I could almost claim to be masturbatorly celibate.

So why is this?

I am sexually active. My penis does what it’s supposed to do when I have the “appropriate” company (although my orgasm can sometimes be a bit reticent). I have urges, I have desires, so why do I so rarely indulge in them?

The answer lies, in part, with the “orgasmic reticence” I just mentioned.

Mind Matters - #SB4MH As many of you are aware, I regularly from suffer very serious bouts of depression. I have been on anti-depressant medication continuously since 2004. My medication has no real effect on my sexual appetite, but it does sometimes mean that I find it difficult to climax. Now, this prolonged “staying-power” might be seen as some to be a blessing, but in some instances it can be downright frustrating. It doesn’t happen often, but there are times when I am having sex that, eventually, I’m forced to effectively give up. I get close, but it just doesn’t happen (yes, this does actually happen to guys too). It’s a rarity when I’m having sex with someone else, but it’s much more frequent when I’m taking myself “in hand”.

And that is the beginning of the slippery slope, as it were.

Like most people, I wank because (a) it feels good, and (b) I have a certain need for release. Sadly for me, while (a) still holds true, (b) is very seldomly achieved. This, in turn, increases frustration until the point where the pleasure obtained is pretty much neutralised by the frustration experienced. A vicious circle ensures where, instead of relieving frustration, wanking actually causes more frustration. It loses it pleasurable qualities and, to all intents and purposes, becomes more trouble and effort than it is worth.

That’s kind of where I am now and, as a result of that particular stroke of ill fortune, why the longest and most productive “sexual relationship” that I have ever had is now more a source of bitter-sweet memories rather than an active source of pleasure.

Kind of sucks to be me really.

ZeN

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18 thoughts on “A Confession

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  1. You help your mind and hurt your body…or your let your body have it’s way and your mind can’t function. It’s a shitty cycle, and I’m sorry that wanking can be a source of frustration for you instead of the relief it’s supposed to be. But I love that you’re so open about the reality…((HUGS))

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      1. LOL, while it’s not for the same reason, JB doesn’t always climax and while I worry, he says that it doesn’t matter quite as much to him as it used to…so maybe it’s less an age thing and more a maturity thing. 😉

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  2. I’m blaming the aging process for any issues I have, if they do. Which they do, from time to time. Some of my problems stem from training myself to suppress my desires until my wife is ready to have sex, which is becoming less often. Meaning longer ‘droughts’ for me. I find once I do masturbate I then binge a little as my brain remembers how good it [can] feel.

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    1. I would probably need to binge just to get the desired result which, in itself, makes it more effort than the “reward” is worth. Fortunately, I have less problems with my orgasm when I’m with another person. It’s just solo activities that leave me high and dry.

      ZeN

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  3. Thank you for your honesty. Even without anti-depressants the mind can play all sorts of tricks on us with regard to sex. I remember when I used to have sex, sometimes I couldn’t always come. I might forgo a chance to come early on as that would be too soon and then when it is time your mind has other plans and the erection disappears. And the next time all this would be preying on my mind.
    I really enjoyed your writing and I hope things get better for you.

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  4. Liking you post seems like an inappropriate response. Anti-depressants create so much havoc in our bodies don’t they… Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Thanks for the honest post, it’s always reassuring to know that other people are in the same boat as it were – even if the damn thing is dry dock!
    Indie x

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  5. Damn, that really sucks, and I’m sorry you’ve got all that frustration building up. I know lots of people who have had similar problems with anti-depressants, and in fact I’ve recently started taking some anti-anxiety meds that make it a real struggle for me to come. Unfortunately it’s mainly during shagging that I fail, although wanking takes a hell of a lot longer than it used to.

    Thank you for being so open about it – I think there are a lot of people who’ll read and feel less alone. x

    Like

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