Every now and then I stumble across one of those articles/posts that falls into the:
You can’t be Dominant if you don’t…
categories. These kinds of articles really piss me off.
Because they are a total load of shite!
It’s bad enough trying to kinksplain D/s to a vanilla audience but when the shite is being spouted by individuals pertaining to be in the D/s community, it just makes things worse.
D/s relationships are not about pain or punishment, they are not about forcing someone else to your will, they are not about power and control and exploitation.
Well, OK, that’s not strictly true. D/s relationships can be about those things if that is dynamic of a particular relationship. If it is, and it works, and the individuals are happy with it, then great. It can be about those things, but it doesn’t have to be.
So here’s the thing, as I see it, a D/s relationship is, first and foremost, a relationship. Every relationship is as unique as the people who live within it. Every relationship has its own dynamic, its own set of “rules” that make it work. Possibly even more so than is the case in purely vanilla relationships, trust, respect and honesty are the fundamental keystones and foundations of a D/s relationship. A Dom is not a Dom because they beat/punish/discipline their submissive. They are a Dom because they nurture and protect, guide and support their submissive. If within the context of that relationship this is demonstrated and achieved through spankings and/or other forms of discipline, then so be it. It works, so great.
Similarly, a sub isn’t a sub because they have no will of their own or are weak. Again, this may be how it plays out within a particular dynamic of a particular relationship, but it doesn’t mean it applies universally.
Even within the confines of one relationship, what was right yesterday, may not be appropriate today and what works today may, for a myriad of reasons, by off limits tomorrow.
D/s relationships have their issues and unforeseen circumstances just like any other relationship and, fundamentally, this is because they are just another relationship.
Anyone who says that “A Dom must do so and so” or “You can’t be a Dom if you don’t do such and such” or “If you are a sub, you must perform whatever” is basically talking out of their arse. There is no one right way to do D/s just as there is no one right way to do any relationship. The fundamental essential foundations of any relationship are pretty much the same, regardless of the flavour.
If there is to be only one right way it is, quite simply, whatever way is right for you. A Dom doesn’t have to use their belt or a cane and a sub doesn’t have to be humiliated or locked up in a cage. If that’s what works for you, that’s fantastic, keep doing it and don’t let anyone else tell you that you are wrong. If it isn’t your thing, don’t feel that it should be because some “know it all” says you should. Do what is right for you because, ultimately, it’s nobody else’s business what you and your partner(s) get up to within the context of the relationship you share with them.