Once again, I have been down in the deepest of holes, where only the very faintest glimmer of light manages to penetrate.
My head, these last few days, has been the very darkest of places. The constant voice in my head has been particularly insistent.
It’s been a time of withdrawal, both online and in real life; a time to shut myself off in an attempt to drown out the nagging, pervasive internal voices that tell me I don’t want to be alive.
It’s dark, it’s oppressive and it is extremely lonely, even with friends and family surrounding me and supporting me. There is a desire, a yearning for the peace of oblivion and there is knowledge that such peace is beyond me, because I am not prepared to give up; for the benefit of those who love and care about me if not actually for myself.
It’s a daily struggle. It’s another battle being waged in a war that has already lasted three decades. It’s a game of hide and seek where the finder always knows where the hider is. It’s a game of chess where black always knows what move white is going to make.
It is painful, draining; exhausting of mind, body, soul and spirit. It is never ending. Being overly melodramatic, it is a cancer of the soul.
There can be no victory in this war. The best I can ever truly hope for is an eternal stalemate of staving off the ultimate defeat.
As I say in my “About” page, it’s not all about the fun things like sex; sometimes, by necessity, this blog has a darker side where I can let such thoughts out into the light and challenge my demons in public.
If you came here simply for the smut, then I’m sorry this post won’t have been for you. If you have got this far, thank you for sticking with me.