Still Here


Mind Matters - #SB4MHI have, as some of you have noticed and commented on, been rather quiet in recent weeks. While I’ve been relying on my #FebPhotoFest and #SinfulSunday photos to keep my blog ticking over recently, it has been over three weeks since I last posted something here.

Truth be told, I really don’t have anything much to say. For much of the last month or so, my time has been spent either working, or curled up in darkness, trying to hide away from the world as much as I can.

The topic on this week’s “Sex Bloggers for Mental Health” is self-harm. For me self-injury has always, perversely, been more psychological than physical. I have never cut or deliberately injured myself in any physical way. I do, however withdraw from the world; I turn inwards, shutting myself off from the support of friends and family, I lose interest in the world around me, I cease to take pleasure from the things I enjoy.

Sex Bloggers for Mental Health - #SB4MHMy particular form of self-harm is an almost casual form of self-neglect where I stop looking after myself. It isn’t a deliberate action on my part, it is simply a symptom of my withdrawal from the world around me. My self care is neglected and, as such, the mental, emotional and spiritual suffering increases as a result. It’s an unconscious, yet in many ways deliberate way of taking the pain and anguish I am already suffering and amplifying it. It’s a form of “testing my limits” to determine how much I can endure. It is my mind using my condition against me and against itself.

The most disturbing thing is that, in the depths of the cycle, it is all perfectly rational; it all seems to make sense. There is a perverse logic to the reinforcing feedback cycle that is almost impossible to refute.

Once I resurface and restore, as much as is possible, my sense of equilibrium, I can see it for what it really is: it is part of that desire for the silence of oblivion, the false comfort of nothingness that seems so appealing at the deepest, darkest moments of my struggle.

And so, I find myself walking along that narrow ridge line, knowing that a miss-step  or stumble in either direction could send my plummeting into the darkness that awaits me on either side.

KW

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6 thoughts on “Still Here

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  1. I do exactly that too – dont take care of myself – and I am always feeling at my most rational when I am at my most irrational – usually, hormones do this to me – but i can relate cause later i look back and see what i was like –

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  2. I absolutely relate to this. I do the most maddening things when I’m in a depressed period and all of them are self-neglecting. It’s hard stuff but it does pass. I hope you get reprieve ASAP.

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  3. Totally understand the part about #febphotofest. And now that it’s over, I’m where you are. When I don’t have much to say, no time to say it or just don’t wanna do it. Sleep takes over, just so tired and tired from doing nothing. lol.
    I think sometimes it’s ok to step away, but I also think it depends on how long we stay away. Don’t be gone too long, and thanks so much for sharing yourself with us. We are here, and sometimes its good to write stuff down to get it all out so we can move forward 🙂

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  4. Thank you for sharing KW. This is relatable on so many levels where something seems perfectly rational at the time for being in such a head space. Sending hugs and letting you know you have a friend here if you need it xx

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. This sounds so hard and I can understand the rationality part not seeming to speak loud enough to make a difference. I hope that you find that you are soon back engaging more fully again and that you are able to keep talking and writing. Sending hugs xx

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  6. This is something I can truly relate to. Withdrawing is my way of confirming my place in the world, and emotional self torture is so much more painful than any of the physical injury I have caused myself.
    I hope you find your way safely along the ridge, and if you stumble reach out. There are lots of us who will happily reach out with hands, or ropes, to help you find your way back.

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