Dominance Through Cunnilingus

Wicked WednesdayOne of the things I really don’t understand is the idea that performing cunnilingus on a woman is somehow an inherently submissive act. I get that it can be. I realise that porn abounds with images of the Domme female forcing her sissy male to eat her out. I understand, really I do.

But just because something can be done in a submissive fashion, doesn’t make it inherently submissive. You will no doubt have read the views of many female bloggers, women who identify as submissive, on the “power” and “control” they feel when they are sucking a cock. Does this suddenly maker the submissive woman Dominant in that relationship? No, of course it doesn’t. The chances are, while she may still doing it to please her Dominant; I suspect however, that rather than sucking cock as an act of submission, mostly the women in question are sucking cock because they love to suck cock.

The same is true for me and cunnilingus. It is something I love to do. I love the taste of a woman. I love her reactions as I feast on her. On top of all that, I love the fact that when my face is between her thighs, her pleasure is mine to dictate. I can choose how rough or how tenderly I treat her. I can decide how much teasing she has to endure before my tongue moves between her labia and works over her clit. I can dictate the pace and the power. Furthermore, I have absolute control over her orgasm.

TOSPI can chose to award her one quickly. I can choose to prolong the experience. I can take her to the edge over and over until I relent. I can push her beyond the limits of her endurance, driving her over the edge repeatedly until she begs me to stop (which I alone will decide whether or not I do). I can, on occasion, take her to the very brink and then deny her the final release should I so desire.

So far from being a submissive act, cunnilingus is simply another tool in the Dominant’s arsenal; a tool that, when used effectively can reward and punish in equal measure.

Ultimately however, the main reason I go down on a woman, is simply because it is something I thoroughly enjoy doing, whatever the end result.



Utter bollocks

I came across this recently. Apparently it’s a fairly common meme with numerous variations on the same theme.  Thing is, bollocks like this really pisses me off; not least of all because it is precisely that: utter bollocks.

Let me explain…

I’ve given flowers. They are a gesture. Sometimes they are a “thank you”, sometimes they are a “sorry”; mostly they make a specific occasion like a birthday, a wedding, a funeral, that sort of thing.  I have never given flowers in the expectation of, or in thanks for sex.

Now, some of you who give blow-jobs may, on occasion, give them as a “thank you” or a “sorry”; if that’s your thing, that’s cool. Whatever works is fine.

To me, however, flowers are flowers and blow-jobs are blow-jobs. If you want to give me flowers, fine; if you want to give me a blow-job, even better. Actually, given that I have an insufferably low pollen tolerance threshold, if you were inclined to give me flowers, I’d rather you saved your money or gave me a card/bought me a drink/gave me a blow-job instead; but that really is beside the point.

The Oral Sex ProjectSurely, if fellatio is “flowers” for men, then cunnilingus must, for the sake of universal balance, be “flowers” for women. All this begs the question: What the fuck are flowers “flowers” for?

Not only that, although I may not be one of them for the reason mentioned above, there are some men who actually quite like getting flowers as well as getting blow-jobs.

It all falls into the same category of bollocks as the whole “Real Men/Women” thing, and it irks the fuck out of me.

Now, I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking: “well hold on there ZeN it’s just meant as a bit of fun, lighten up“; and I accept you are right.

It doesn’t mean that it’s not utter bollocks though, however humorous it’s trying to be.


Oral Sex – The Be And End All?

The Oral Sex Project So, this teaser was posted on Twitter recently:

“Would you stay in a sexual relationship if oral sex was totally off the table?”

At a first glance, this seems like a very simple question, but give it some thought, and there are all sorts of ramifications behind it.

Firstly, there is the nature and context of the “sexual relationship” itself.

For me, sex is about what pleases both partners. If the sex was part of a deeper emotional relationship, then the absence of oral sex possibly wouldn’t really be a factor. If that were the deal breaker within the relationship, then it would have to be in a pretty bad place to begin with.

A good sex life is an important factor in a committed relationship, but it is only one factor. There are so many other things that are equally or more important, such us the emotional support you give each other. So, in this context, if oral sex was off the cards and, assuming every other aspect of the relationship (including the actual sexual activities we did enjoy) were fine, then yes, I would stay. In the same way, oral sex is only one component of a sex life. For me, it is quite an important factor (I’ll go into this in more detail later), but it is only one. There are many other activities that can be combined to make a full and enjoyable sexual encounter. The presence or absence of any one of them probably isn’t a factor as it is all about what feels right and good in the moment and in the context of that encounter.  So, in this context, if oral sex was off the cards and, assuming every other aspect of the relationship (including the actual sexual activities we did enjoy)

If on the other hand, the relationship was purely casual, purely about the sex then, since oral sex (particularly giving – but again, more of that later) is something that I particularly enjoy, then I suspect the relationship would not be sufficiently satisfying for me to stay in it.

Then, of course, there is the issue of whether by oral sex being off the cards, we are referring to giving, receiving, or both.

I’m a guy. It goes without saying that I do love getting a blow-job and, as the old adage goes, even the worst one I’ve ever had was fantastic. Having said that however, when it comes to oral sex, giving is actually far more important to me than receiving.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love getting my cock sucked. If the woman I am with offers to suck my cock, it is unlikely in the extreme that I am going to refuse her. I love the sensations and I love the intimacy, but when all is said and done, my penis enjoys any form of stimulation that the woman I’m having sex with bestows upon it.

#MasturbationMondayCunnilingus is, however, one of my favourite things. I’ve been complimented enough on my abilities to consider it one of my sexual talents. As a lover, so much of my sexual pleasure derives from the pleasure I am giving my partner and, at the risk of sounding big-headed, I’ve never been with someone who didn’t enjoy my tongue.

I enjoy sex, all of sex, but if I know that the woman I’m with is enjoying it, I enjoy it even more; it’s a sort of virtuous circle. The more she enjoys it, the more I enjoy it, the harder I work to ensure she enjoys it even more.

In this respect, if a relationship that is purely just about the sex, is ever going to be more than just a one-off, if she’s not a fan of giving head, I can probably live with it, if she doesn’t like receiving it, then it is cutting off a major source of my enjoyment of sex and so, it’s probably never going to go anywhere.

Yes, maybe that sounds a bit shallow, but life is short and sex is meant to be enjoyed by both participants, and we can’t all be sexually compatible with everybody.

So, back to the original question, would I stay in a sexual relationship if oral sex was of the cards?  The simple answer is, it depends on the relationship.


The Myth Of The Perfect Blow-Job

#MasturbationMondayI am a guy and I will admit, quite unashamedly, that I love having my cock sucked. I’m going to go all “typically male” here and say that in the almost thirty years since I received my first blow-job, I’ve never had a bad one.

They aren’t the only women to have written on this subject, but, both Malin James and Girl on The Net, two bloggers that I hold In the highest regard  have written excellent articles on the subject of blow-jobs from a female perspective, and I thought I’d throw in my thoughts on the subject from my own male point of view.

Now, as I said above, I love having my cock sucked. Whether it be as part of foreplay, or an event in its own right; whether it be slow and leisurely, or hard and fast; each and every blow-job that I have ever had has been something to savour and enjoy for the experience itself.

When my cock is being sucked, in so much as I am able to think of anything at all, the two things that I am “thinking” are, generally how grateful I am that the woman I’m with has chosen to wrap her lips around my cock and take it into her mouth and, how much I’m enjoying it. I am most certainly not giving you a mark out of ten, I am not awarding points for artistic interpretation or technical merit, there is no tariff for difficulty. Neither, for that matter, am I comparing the person currently (hopefully) enjoying my cock with any other person, nor indeed (assuming the woman in question has sucked me before) am I comparing it with any other blow-job she has given me. There is no “Fantasy Blow-Job League” title that needs to be competed for. I am simply enjoying the experience of having my cock attended to by her mouth.

Now, it goes without saying, that the only person (and the only cock) I can speak about with any authority is me (and mine). What works for me and my cock may not work for another guy and theirs. I do not hold myself out as being in anyway representative of my gender and my particular likes and dislikes are my own.  But that is very much the point. It is a point that certain magazines with their “How to give the perfect blow-job” or “10 things to do with your mouth that will blow him away” articles spectacularly manage to miss. We are all different; every man, every woman, every cock, every mouth. Let’s even go one stage further here and say, every blow-job is different; each made unique by the circumstances and setting in which it is performed and the mood, needs and desires of the performer and performee.  The problem with these articles is that they assume we are all the same and that there is some magical “One Right Way” to do things, which is, of course, a total and utter load of horse manure. I’m pretty sure that no one who has ever written one of these pieces of sage advice has ever sucked my cock, so how the hell do they know how I like to have it sucked, and what right have they to tell anyone that if they suck it in a certain way, it’s guaranteed to be the best, most intense blow-job that I have ever had?

The Oral Sex ProjectThat’s not to say that there are certain things that I like to have done to my cock that will turn me on more than others; we all have our preferences, we all have our unique pleasure spots and things that we like to have done to them.  The chances are, no one going down on me for the first time is going to get this 100% “right”. How could they? They don’t know what I like other than the general, he’s a guy, he’s probably going to enjoy getting his cock sucked. Nor would I expect them to know.

The key, as with all things sex, is communication. Generally, the sounds I make will let you know I’m enjoying it, but I’m not adverse to giving occasional feedback. You know, the “That thing you did with your tongue just there, would you mind doing it again?” or “A bit harder/faster” or even sometimes “Please slow down a bit” kind of thing.

It’s not a performance. It’s not a test of skill. It’s an act of giving and receiving pleasure and of enjoying the experience, whether as the giver or the receiver. Practice may not necessarily make perfect, but it does give both partners a deeper understanding of what works for them.

Fuck the glossy magazines and their intensely patronising “Top 10 Tips For Fantastic Fellatio”. What do they know? If you want to blow my mind, just do what comes naturally and enjoy it. Surely that’s what it’s really all about.