Word for Wednesday – Hedonism

Hedonism

/ˈhiːdəˌnɪzəm; ˈhɛd-/
noun
  1. Ethics
    (a) the doctrine that moral value can be defined in terms of pleasure
    (b) the doctrine that the pursuit of pleasure is the highest good
  2. the pursuit of pleasure as a matter of principle
  3. indulgence in sensual pleasures

I am a sensualist. When it comes to sex, I am all about the senses; the more the senses are involved, the more intense the experience.

Sight
Men are, apparently, visual creatures. I am no exception. I’m not just talking about the enjoyment of seeing my partner naked; although that is part of it. It’s about seeing their reactions. How a certain touch makes them respond. The involuntary twitches/flinched, the changes in their expression; it’s a form of visual feedback that is, in itself, a rewarding experience.

Wicked WednesdaySound
Sound is such a strong sensual element of sex. There are the sounds your partner makes; the moans, the gasps, the sighs, the verbal tics that demonstrate their pleasure. There are the sounds of leather striking skin, the sounds of the bed protesting beneath us, the sounds of two bodies moving together in a sexual collision. Then there’s the sounds of orgasm itself; mine and, more importantly, hers. It is the confirmation that I have taken her to that highest plane of pleasure.

Scent
I am anosmic. Not fully so, but my sense of smell is very weak. It is still an important sense. When I’m going down on a woman, her scent combines with her taste, making my enjoyment of this particular activity even stronger.

Touch
I am extremely tactile. I love touching and being touched. I love the feel of my partner’s skin against mine. But it’s also about how my partner responds to my touch. How she reacts as I touch her nipples, how wet she gets as I slide my fingers into her, the sensations as her lips slide along my cock. Then there is that wonderful feeling as her wet warmth surrounds my hardness; the insides of her thighs rubbing against the oustides of mine as our bodies move together.

Taste
From the taste of her perspiration on her skin, to the sweet richness of her juices as I lick her, taste is a deep sensual experience. When I’m face down between her thighs, I can gauge her arousal from her flavour.

Each sense provides its own sensations, it’s own element of the overall experience. For a sensualist like me, the more the senses are engaged, the higher the arousal, the deeper the pleasure and the fuller the enjoyment.

ZeN

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The Ex Factor

Wicked WednesdayI will freely admit, without any reservation whatsoever that I have, in fact, had sex with every one of my exes.

Now, while this statement is absolutely 100% truthful, it doesn’t actually take into account the fact that, at the time I was having sex with them, I was actually still in a relationship with the woman in question, and so, at that particular point in time, she had yet to actually become an ex. OK, so I accept, that is a huge technicality, but it doesn’t negate the truth of my opening statement.

The fact is, however, that I have never had sex with someone after I have stopped being in a relationship with them so that they have become, in fact, an ex.

Generally, this has been for entirely logical reasons.  In the case of my very first “proper” girlfriend, we moved apart when we left school and went our separate ways to University and, ultimately, met other people.  This was in the late 1980’s so there were no mobile phones, social media, or email to keep in near constant contact with. If anyone thinks long-distance is hard nowadays, imagine it in the pre-internet dark ages.

Another couple of relationships at university were short term and simply fizzled out after the initial novelty wore off.

And then, of course, there is “THE EX“, i.e. my ex-wife.

In total, we were together for 16 years and married for 12 of those. I was her “first” although, she had done pretty much everything else apart from intercourse with her previous boyfriend. I was slightly more experienced than she was by virtue of the partners mentioned above, but not by very much and the overwhelming majority of what I know about my sexual tastes, desires, preferences, attitudes and appetites were learned during those 16 years that I spent with her.

Our split, when it happened, was particularly hard. I still carry the scars of it some 12 years later. Oddly, however, even as the relationship itself fell apart, the one thing that remained absolutely great right up until almost the very end was, surprise surprise, the sex. We had drifted apart as people, to the point where we were two separate individuals living under the same roof as opposed to the unit we had been as a couple. We were, in fact, by this stage, also both having sex outside what remained of our relationship. All in all it was pretty toxic and was damaging my health, but when we fucked, for that brief interlude, everything clicked back into place.

I suspect it was the long and easy familiarity we had for each other’s bodies and the things that turned us on. There was also a very definite element of anger and resentment towards each other in the way we fucked that, perversely, just made the fucking even better while, at the same time, hastened the relationship’s final ending.

I’ve had a couple of relationships since we split, and she married the guy she was fucking behind my back.  All things considered, we are on reasonably good terms, although we only actually speak to each other when we absolutely have to.

Knowing how good the sex between us was, could I ever go back?

Simple answer, no. In the infinitesimally unlikely event that the possibility ever arose, I really don’t think that would be a good idea for either of us.

ZeN

Bottoms up! (Or making an arse of things)

In my experience, the women I have been with have fallen into two camps: those that took it up the arse, and those that didn’t. Those that did enjoyed it and those that didn’t were quite adamant that it wasn’t going to happen. In only one instance has it transpired that I stumbled upon an “uncertain” and that was simply because she had never tried it before. Once she had tried it, she was firmly in the “Yes” camp thereafter; so I can only assume I did something right.

Of the women I have done it with, there has been no general consensus as to how they preferred it done. Some liked it rough and hard, some preferred me to take it slowly and (as much as it can be) gently. All expressed a notion for it being somehow taboo, or illicit in a way that vaginal or anal sex were not. It was somehow darker, dirtier (if you’ll excuse the obvious double meaning) and that made it somehow more exciting.

Personally, when push comes to shove, it’s something I can take or leave. For me it has always been a case of “lady’s choice”. When the woman I’ve been with has wanted it, I’ve done it and enjoyed it. Similarly, when the woman hasn’t wanted it, I haven’t missed it. Also, in terms of what I do, I have only ever been a “giver”, “receiving” isn’t my thing.

What it comes down to, for me, is that it is simply one more weapon in my arsenal, one more string in my bow.  There are plenty of other activities that couples can enjoy that the presence or absence of this particular one makes little difference.  I don’t enjoy sex more when I get to fuck her arse, I don’t enjoy it less when I don’t.

Wicked WednesdayAs with everything, communication and respect is key. If the woman says its a “no”, then it’s a “no”; stop there, don’t try to coerce her into something she doesn’t want to do. In the case of my “uncertain”, it was something she was curious about but it was something where, ultimately, I let her set the pace; I didn’t force it, but from expressing an interest, we experimented and built up from fingering until she was ready for me to fuck her.  All the time the understanding was that if she didn’t like it or wanted me to stop at any point, I would.

As it happened, I stopped quite a few times. She wanted to persevere and after a few false starts along the way, we finally got there.  As I mentioned above, it turned out it was something she enjoyed and it is something we did fairly regularly after that.  Had I tried to force my way in on that first attempt, there is every chance I might have put her off it and, more importantly from my fragile male ego’s perspective, me.

All this is, I guess, is a rather rambling and long-winded way of saying that for me, its presence or absence is not a deal-breaker. I’ve always believed and strongly maintain that, first and foremost, sex should be enjoyable for the participants. If something you do enhances that, great; if it doesn’t, then concentrate on the things that do.

Ultimately though, if someone offers you their arse, don’t be one.

ZeN

Dominance Through Cunnilingus

Wicked WednesdayOne of the things I really don’t understand is the idea that performing cunnilingus on a woman is somehow an inherently submissive act. I get that it can be. I realise that porn abounds with images of the Domme female forcing her sissy male to eat her out. I understand, really I do.

But just because something can be done in a submissive fashion, doesn’t make it inherently submissive. You will no doubt have read the views of many female bloggers, women who identify as submissive, on the “power” and “control” they feel when they are sucking a cock. Does this suddenly maker the submissive woman Dominant in that relationship? No, of course it doesn’t. The chances are, while she may still doing it to please her Dominant; I suspect however, that rather than sucking cock as an act of submission, mostly the women in question are sucking cock because they love to suck cock.

The same is true for me and cunnilingus. It is something I love to do. I love the taste of a woman. I love her reactions as I feast on her. On top of all that, I love the fact that when my face is between her thighs, her pleasure is mine to dictate. I can choose how rough or how tenderly I treat her. I can decide how much teasing she has to endure before my tongue moves between her labia and works over her clit. I can dictate the pace and the power. Furthermore, I have absolute control over her orgasm.

TOSPI can chose to award her one quickly. I can choose to prolong the experience. I can take her to the edge over and over until I relent. I can push her beyond the limits of her endurance, driving her over the edge repeatedly until she begs me to stop (which I alone will decide whether or not I do). I can, on occasion, take her to the very brink and then deny her the final release should I so desire.

So far from being a submissive act, cunnilingus is simply another tool in the Dominant’s arsenal; a tool that, when used effectively can reward and punish in equal measure.

Ultimately however, the main reason I go down on a woman, is simply because it is something I thoroughly enjoy doing, whatever the end result.

ZeN

My Belt

Wicked WednesdayThe crack it makes as I snap he ends together. The way you flinch with anticipation and apprehension at the sound. The soft, unblemished skin that has yet to feel its kiss.

The whistle in the air as it swings on its path. The way you tense as you wait for its contact. The mounting yearning for its stinging caress.

The drawn out moment as you wait to feel it. The unbearable slowness of the passage of time. The movement of the air as it approaches.

The resounding smack as it bites your skin. The mix of pain and pleasure as you cry out at its touch. The deepening crimson glow that marks its path.

The increasing heat and pain with every stroke. The intense arousal each kiss ignites. The relief that comes from knowing you’ve endured the final lash.

ZeN

Comparative Reality

Wicked WednesdayWhere does truth end and fiction begin?

I read this post  by the wonderful Girl on The Net recently, and if you haven’t read it, I can’t recommend strongly enough that you do so.

No.

Seriously.

Stop reading this and go and read her post, then if you can be arsed, you can come back here and finish reading this drivel.

Now, as anyone who follows her knows, GoTN. unlike me, is a woman and she writes freely about her sex life. If you have now read the post, you will have got the fact that while she writes honestly, she may, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes deliberately, change certain things and/or leave certain details out.  Does that make what she writes any less true? I don’t think so. And, after all, if she hadn’t told us, we’d all be none the wiser.

Now me, on the other hand, I dress things up. Yes, I can happily ramble on giving you my opinions (whether you want them or not) on everything from pubic hair, to why I enjoy cunnilingus, to why I will never give you a mark out of 10 for your blow-job skills, but when it comes to actual sex; actual people actually fucking, I mostly resort to writing fiction.

Now, I do happen to say on my stories site:

My writing is a mixture of experience and imagination in varying proportions.

And this is true. Well, kind of…

Some of my stories actually do correspond pretty closely to actual events. In others, the sex may be based on an actual shag, but I’ve changed the setting or the circumstances that led to it. In others, the sex scenes may be a distillation of the memories of a number of different shags, possibly with different partners, but I have chosen to weave them into one story, one scene.

And, of course, because it’s fiction, no one ever breaks wind when they roll over, the protagonists never spend 5 minutes swearing at each other because her hair has caught in his watch strap, no one ever accidentally gets elbowed or kneed somewhere painful as positions are changed, or gets a dead arm from lying in one position for too long supporting the weight of both partners.

In fiction, even when based on reality, the sex is idealised.

Some sex writers may include such details when regaling us with their real life exploits and adventures. GoTN is wonderfully frank in her writing, and does sometime choose to share snippets of such sex “fails” with us; but if she never alluded to them, would that make her “stories” any less true? In my opinion no. It might make them slightly less funny on occasion, but it doesn’t change the underlying event, in the same way that watching the Match Of The Day highlights doesn’t change the final score.

So, “truth” is true, and fiction can contain truth even when it’s not entirely true. Is one form of writing better than the other? I don’t think so. Even when not related to sex, I enjoy reading non-fiction as much as I enjoy reading fiction. It’s all down to the taste of the reader and the style (or lack thereof in the case of your truly) of the writer.

The truth can sometimes be stranger than fiction, but it can also be closely intertwined with it too.

ZeN

PS: The book that inspired this was, of course “How a Bad Girl Fell In Love” by none other than Girl on the Net herself.

Time & Distance

Wicked WednesdayIt starts, as it so often does, with an early morning text message. It’s not even a particularly naughty one; often no more than a “Good morning” or “Did you sleep well?” The scene, however, is already set.

As the morning progresses, the level of suggestion in the exchanged messages deepen.  Selected pins from Pinterest are used to convey desire, to express what is being felt, to emphasis what we would do if we weren’t miles apart, if the hours instantly passed and we were together.

The ante is upped as the quotes make way for the images from Tumblr; each one that little bit more explicit, more graphic than the last, each one a statement of intent.

As the day progresses we tease and arouse and seduce each other with words and images. She knows I long to taste her, to lick her and feast on her until she cums hard on the tip of my tongue. I know she wants to take me in her mouth, to lick and suck that part of me that she has made so hard.

We both know what we want and need, and that is each other; skin against skin, our lips pressed together, me inside her, our bodies joined.

As the clock ticks down the minutes of the last hour of separation we enter the calm before the storm.

My phone flashes. “I’m home” it reads.

“On my way” I reply.

“Let yourself in, I’m waiting for you…”

ZeN

Word for Wednesday – Sensualism

Sensualism

/ˈsɛnsjʊəˌlɪzəm/
noun

  1. the quality or state of being sensual

When it comes to sex, I am all about the senses; the sounds, the feelings, the scents, the scenes and the tastes. Great sex combines each of these; taking those essential building blocks and building them into a whole that is so much more than their sum.

Humans are a visual species, and it is fair to say that what we see is what initially attracts us to another person. We each have our own measure of the qualities that we find visually appealing in a potential partner.

Vision, however goes much deeper than that. They is the voyeuristic pleasure of watching your partner arouse and pleasure themselves. There is the joy that comes from watching their response to your attentions; the involuntary twitches and shakes, the changes of expression, the sinuous arching of their backs as the pleasure builds within them.

Wicked Wednesday
I am, by my own admission, an extremely tactile person. I love touch and I loved to be touched. I love the feel of a partner’s skin, soft and warm, against mine. I love the feel of their body under my fingertips and under my lips. I love the feel of theirs on mine; the warmth of her mouth as it encircles my cock and the soft heat of her cunt as I move inside her.

And then their is taste. The taste of her skin as I explore with lips. The intense flavour of her cunt as I feast on her. The subtle changes in flavour as her arousal grows, the sharp sweetness of her climax on my tongue.

Sound also plays its part, intensifying and amplifying every action. Her moans as I lick her, that sigh as I thrust slowly into her, filling her for the first time. There’s the sounds of skin on skin as our bodies move together. Sometimes the sound of leather on skin as my belt kisses her flesh. The sound of the bed beneath us adding to every movement, every squirm, every thrust.

Sex is so much more than just a physical pleasure. It engages all of the senses to become an emotional canvas on which we paint our desires.

That is the essence of sensualism; the surrendering to the full spectrum of experience.

ZeN

No Strings?

Wicked Wednesday

Is it possible to have a long-term “no-strings” sexual relationship?

At a first glance, the question above seems like a fairly straightforward one. Looking at it more closely, it is a bit less so. To start with, what is actually meant by “no-strings”?

The chances are, if you are reading this, you have engaged in some sort of casual sexual activity at some point in your life; by which I mean sex that didn’t really mean much, but that was probably enjoyable enough because it was sex. Now, in my opinion, casual sex can absolutely be, “no-strings” attached. You see someone, you fancy them, they fancy you, you fuck them, you both walk away – no questions asked, no expectation of commitment; simply, if you are fortunate, a mutually sexually gratifying experience. If the experience was particularly enjoyable/satisfying, you might even choose to repeat it, but ultimately that’s as far as it goes.

The contradiction at the heart of the above question is “no-strings” and “relationship”; can this exist?

I’m going to define “sexual relationship” as one where the people involved are engaging in sexual activity on a fairly regular/frequent basis. The definition of “sexual activity” I will leave to the reader. Are there any “strings”?

Let’s break it down a bit.

By “strings”, do we mean feelings?

Well, the chances are, if we are continuing to have sex with someone over a longer term, there must be something about the sex with that person that is particularly enjoyable. There must be something about it that makes us feel good, that makes us want to have sex with that person again and again. On some level, concious or otherwise, the sex must meet some sort of need. To move from the casual/one-nighter to a “relationship”, there has to be something more than just the initial sexual attraction, the thing that made us want to fuck in the first place and makes us want to keep fucking each other.

Not only that, but sexual attraction itself can be hard to define. In the initial phase I suspect it is primarily physical. The chances are that we won’t really want to have sex with someone we aren’t actually attracted to (beware the beer-glasses). Attraction can, however, also be deeper; it can be intellectual, it can be emotional. In truth, longer lasting attraction is a combination of all of the above.

So are we talking emotions?

Let’s be honest, sex is a pretty emotional experience. Granted, from my own male perspective (and I don’t claim to speak for anyone else), at the point of orgasm, all I am thinking about is my own orgasm. I like to think of myself as a caring, unselfish partner, but in those final few moments I am not thinking about the person whose body I am inside; I am thinking about how good it feels, how long I can hold back. I am not thinking about the person I am having sex with. The brutal truth is that in those final exquisite moments, that person beneath me, or on top of me, or on their knees before me, could be absolutely anyone.

Having said that though, the emotional connection with my partner has contributed to me arriving at that particular moment, so it’s not that they are irrelevant.  Through foreplay and arousal, through the sexual acts we’ve performed together, they have brought me to this point; I wouldn’t be having the particular orgasm in question without them. However, at the point of orgasm, my most basic, primal, animal brain takes over and I am simply fucking. Not fucking any one person in particular; just fucking.

So are we talking love?

Now that’s the biggie, and for some people, I suspect, the crux of this question. To me, love is an emotion just like any other. It comes in different forms. There is the love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for your significant other/soul-mate. Love and sex however, certainly for me, have never been synonymous. I have not had sex with everyone I have loved and I have not loved everyone I have had sex with.

I also have a kind of “Golden Rule”; namely that I don’t fuck my friends.

This is, of course, an oversimplification. I have had a number of, what might be called, “Friends with Benefits” relationships. In every case however, the “with Benefits” bit came first and the “Friends” grew out of that. In the main, these friendships have continued even after the “benefits” came to an end.What I have never done, however, is moved someone the other way.

So, given that I can form friendships with people I have sex with, is this a string?

I have had casual sex, I have had friends with benefits sex and I have had loving/soul-mate sex. The latter two have always been more enjoyable than the former, largely because there is some sort of connection between me and the person I’m having sex with. Having said that, I wouldn’t rate the sex I’ve had in the “loving” sense as being better than the sex I’ve had in the “friendly” sense so, for me at least, love isn’t the determining factor.

So what about commitment?

Now that, for me, finally, may be the difference. When you are having sex with someone in a “committed” relationship, there are certain “responsibilities” that go with it. Unless your relationship is open/poly, there is often an expected commitment of exclusiveness; the whole “forsaking all others unto thee…” bit. Understandable because the whole love/sexual jealousy thing can be a very powerful emotional cocktail in humans. For me, this is where “Friends with Benefits” differs from the life-mate/soul-mate sexual relationship; it is the ability to detach that “requirement” for exclusivity, it is the ability to recognise that while we enjoy the sex that we have together, we are also free to explore and enjoy sex with other people. We can do this because sex, far from being the ultimate sign of commitment to each other, is just one of the myriad experiences that humans enjoy. In my own “Friends with Benefits” relationships, I/we have  even been able to talk openly about the sex we have with others, because we’ve recognised that sex is something that we enjoy doing simply because we enjoy doing it, and not because we have to do it just with each other.

So, in a very long-winded way, my answer to the original question is “Yes”; yes it is possible for “no-strings” sexual relationships to exist. The key is to identify what the particular relationship actual means to the people in it.

ZeN

Sexy

Wicked WednesdayBeauty, they say, is only skin deep. Sexy, on the other hand, goes right to the core. So what do we mean by sexy? Is it appearance, is it an attitude, or is it just some unfathomable quality that you see in someone?

Humans are a visual species, so it is impossible, I think, to completely divorce sexiness with physical attractiveness, but in my opinion, the two are not inextricably linked. While everyone has their own “standards” of what they find attractive in another person, simply finding them attractive does not necessarily mean that you also find them sexy.

Sexy is something more than just the physical. It may be an attitude, but what attitude?

Many people say they find confidence sexy; I’m one of them. At the same time, however, I would also say that I find a sexiness in vulnerability too.

I think much depends on the person; it also depends on the circumstances, and the situation.

In a club, the way someone moves when the dance may make them sexier than the other members of their group. The way someone smiles, the way they angle their head to listen and talk to you. The way they dress. The degree of confidence/hesitation they display. Our brains are constantly picking up these signals and analysing them.

So, is sexy just a chemical reaction in our brains?

Like all things human, sexy is subjective and, I think, highly individual. What I find sexy in a certain person, others may not. What one person finds sexy about me, others may be turned off by.

For me, it is a combination of looks and personality. I’ll be honest and admit that the physical attraction catches my attention, but it is the personality/attitude that ultimately piques my interest. Just because there may be a recognition of physical attractiveness does not mean that I automatically find a person sexy.

In this age of online friendships, sometimes the physical is actually the last thing we see, and yet, somehow, we can still engage in “sexual” stimuli; there is something that we find (for the want of a better term) sexy about that person that shapes the way we interact with them.

So while beauty and sexy may not be the same thing, they are very much, I believe, both in the eye/mind of the beholder.

ZeN