It Started With A Dick Pic

Share Our ShitBefore I go any further, I should point out that I was coerced; honest m’lud…

I’ll get to the meat of this (as it were) in a bit, but first of all, I’ll back up a bit.

Under the guise of my hirsute alter ego, I had been tweeting and posting naughty stories since early 2011. I had, in fact, been posting stories online since about 2001, but it was during a period of illness in early 2011 that I discovered twitter, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Although I had a blog, of sorts, on which to post my stories, I wasn’t actually a blogger as such. I did the odd bit of writing as the mood and inspiration took me, and that was as far as it went.

My writing did, however, bring me into contact with other writers of erotica, and from there I discovered that there was a rich and vibrant online community of writers and bloggers with whom I identified with and was becoming increasingly a part of. I still wasn’t a blogger though.

Very much still a lurker, I began commenting on the blogs that I was reading. Those comments meant that other visitors to those blogs “discovered” my site and started visiting and commenting on my work. A certain momentum was inexorably building.

Enter (not in the biblical sense) two very, persuasive women, Cheryl Kaye and Charlie Powell (or @HornyGeekGirl or @sexblogofsorts to use their twitter names) and we get, eventually, to the point of this post.

Between them they waxed lyrical about the dearth of male sex bloggers and how much they wished for “more cock on #SinfulSunday“. Eventually I took the bait and, three years ago this weekend, I posted my very first #SinfulSunday submission.

I had actually guest posted on Cheryl’s blog a few weeks earlier and, thanks to the favourable reaction my photos were receiving, I would later re-post that article on my own blog as another of my #SinfulSunday entries.

So there you have it, the story of how this introverted occasional peddler of filth was unleashed on an unexpecting internet.

Cheryl/Charlie, if you are reading this, the credit/blame is all yours…

ZeN

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Statistically speaking

Share Our ShitI mentioned last week that 2017 has been an interesting year. For those of you who are interested in facts and figures, this post may just be for you. If, however, you are in any way “normal”, I suggest you want to skip over the blatant self promotion in the first half of this post and visit one of the blogs listed further down the page for something much more interesting.

My Blogs

So, for those of you who don’t already know (and even those of you who do), I actually have three, yes, that’s right, three blogs.

  • There is this humble journal where I whitter on about whatever flits across my mind and I deem it to be sufficiently of interest to jot it down.
  • Kilted Wookie’s Photo Album – where I share my photos.
  • A Kilted Wookie Writes – I share my erotic fiction and poetry.

Across the three, I received a total of 10,636 views. Given that I haven’t written any fiction/poetry since 2016, it’s not surprising that the majority of those views were for this site and my photos. That my writing site still pulled in 2,600 viewers without me contributing to it at all is still quite an achievement.

For each of the three blogs, the 10 most viewed posts were:

The Zen Nudist

  1. In Praise Of Pussy
  2. The Myth Of The Perfect Blow-Job
  3. Oral Sex – The Be And End All?
  4. No Worries
  5. Taking Myself In Hand
  6. A Confession
  7. Dominance Through Cunnilingus
  8. Fine Dining
  9. Split Personalities
  10. In The Mind
Kilted Wookie’s Photo Album

  1. Looking Up
  2. Up And Under
  3. What’s Cooking?
  4. Left, Right & Centre
  5. Dappled
  6. Business (Un)dress
  7. Blue Splash
  8. At Ease
  9. Hotel Corridors
  10. Dick(ie) Bow
A Kilted Wookie Writes

  1. Oral Foreplay
  2. Dee’s Double Delight
  3. The Making Of An Adulteress
  4. Seònaid’s Big Night In
  5. Under The Covers
  6. Blindfolded And Taken
  7. Hotel Get Together
  8. Sexual Symphony
  9. Ready And Rough
  10. The Train Home

My Visitors

Despite being Scottish and living in Scotland (that’s the top third bit of the United Kingdom for those who don’t know), the majority of my visitors came from the USA. The top ten countries by visitor number were:

  1. United States
  2. Great Britain
  3. Canada
  4. Ireland
  5. Australia
  6. New Zealand
  7. Netherlands
  8. Germany
  9. Spain
  10. Sweden

Given that I blog entirely in English, it’s no great surprise that the majority of my visitors come from the English speaking world, but for those of you for whom English is not your first language, I am deeply humbled that you choose to drop by.

Referrals 

It’s not at all surprising that a lot of people come to me via the blogging memes I participate in; so, as always, a huge “Thank You!” to Kayla, Marie and Molly for organising these. The top 10 referring sites were:

  1. Twitter
  2. #SinfulSunday
  3. WordPress Reader
  4. #MasturbationMonday
  5. #WickedWednesday
  6. Adult Blog Hub
  7. Search Engines (Google, Yahoo, Bing)
  8. #KinkOfTheWeek
  9. Tumblr
  10. e[lust]

Where do people go?

Of course it’s not all one-way traffic. The people who visit my blog, click through to other blogs; either via the links in my blogroll, the blogs I link to in my posts or the comments other bloggers leave on my posts. the Top 10 bloggers that I sent traffic to in 2017 were:

  1. Tabitha Rayne by (@TabithaErotica)
  2. Nerdy Dirty Girl by (@SuburbanSex)
  3. Confess Hannah by (@confess_Hannah)
  4. Fire & Honey by (@fireandhoney)
  5. Girl on the Net by (@girlonthenet)
  6. Nooky Ever After by (@nookysemper)
  7. Cleareyed Girl by (@_Masterseye)
  8. Jerusalem Mortimer by (@JaimeMortimer)
  9. A to sub-Bee by (@sub_bee)
  10. Aurora Glory by (@AuroraGloryBlog)

So there you have it; everything you probably never actually wanted to know about my blog and the people who visit it.

ZeN

My blogging year

Share Our Shit2017 has been an interesting year. Having been on hiatus for most of 2016, if you’d said to me back in January that I would be blogging again, I’d have probably laughed at you (albeit, given my mood at the time, laughing wasn’t something that came particularly naturally nor easily, but I digress…). When the year started I was content to lurk, dipping in and out of other people’s blogs occasionally, and keeping in vague contact with some of my fellow bloggers via twitter and/or whatsapp.

January moved on into February, as it always does, and this, of course, means that the lovely Molly unleashes February Photo Fest on the world. I’m not entirely sure why, but in the guise of my furry alter ego, I decided to contribute, and the rest, as the say, was history.

Of course, the fact that I was posting photographs meant, almost be default, that I returned to the #SinfulSunday family.

I’ve always been a big fan of #SinfulSunday because of its inclusive and positive group of contributors; always supportive, never judgemental, and the quality of the submissions is simply stunning. So much so, that I am always stunned when one of my efforts makes it into the weekly top 5. This year, that happened on 5 occasions:

Huge thanks to the above bloggers for choosing my photos when there are always so many fantastic images to pic every week.

The following photos were also featured by other bloggers:

Posting photos meant I was also, once again, able to participate in the Scavenger Hunt  hosted by Jade.

While I was posting photos, I still wasn’t “blogging” per se. I wasn’t doing any writing, nor did I have very much to say on the subject of kink/sex.

When I did start blogging again, the half-formed intention was that it would be more of a personal journal, rather than an actual sex blog. I needed a slightly different voice for a different side of my personality. For that, and a host of other reasons that I explained earlier, The Zen Nudist was born.

Unlike my previous blog which got deleted in 2016, this blog would, it was intended, be somewhere where I would post whatever I had on my mind rather than concentrate specifically on kink/sex. To that end, it has more or less lived up to its intended purpose, but almost inevitably, the two areas I tend to blog about most are mental health/depression and sex. Sometimes, I even manage to combine them both in the same post.

Writing about sex, of course, brought me back to some more of the wonderful memes that members of this community curate, namely:

Once again, despite there being many excellent contributions, some of my posts have been included in the weekly round-ups:

In addition to the above, a big “thank you” goes to May More for including me in her #SoSS postings and another to Jaime Mortimer for including me in a top 5 sharing of blogging love for #WickedWednesday.

Having met Big Miss Naughty/Scot Bad Girl, Ms Handful, Honey, Exposing 40 and The Other Livvy previously, 2017 was the year where I also managed to meet Exhibit A and Lapsed Catholic.

Sadly, of course, much as I did in 2016, some of the above have chosen to either stop blogging or remove their blogs entirely during 2017. If they are reading this, then they should know that they are missed.

So, that was 2017. Let’s see where the journey takes us in 2018…

ZeN

The Naughty List

The 2017 Naughty ListIt’s that time of year again; when the mince pies you bought from whichever supermarket chain you frequent back in September have passed their “use-by” date, you can’t escape from Wham, Slade or Mariah Carey, and that fat, judgemental git in the red suit starts checking up on us again.

Well, fuck that; naughty IS nice as far as I’m concerned and, with that thought in mind, I bring you my 2017 “Naughty List“.

I compiled my first naughty list in 2015. Sadly, it no longer exists, and neither do quite a few of the blogs that were on it. I was on a bit of a hiatus in 2016 and so didn’t compile a list last year. Since my return, I’ve discovered a number of new blogs and been reacquainted with some old favourites.

I won’t bore you with the reasons as to why I like a particular blog or blogger; suffice to say that these are the ones I keep coming back to most often.  If you are on my list of bad girls and boys, congratulations, if you aren’t, sorry; we can still be friends can’t we?

So here, in the spirit of “Sharing Our Shit“, without any further ado, and in no order whatsoever I give you:

The ZeN Nudist/Kilted Wookie Naughty List 2017

Wear your (limited edition) “Naughty List” membership badge with pride…

ZeN

Share Our Shit

Naughty Scotland

Naughty ScotlandWhen I first started out, I wasn’t even aware that there was a Sex Blogging Community; it was just me, writing and posting my naughty stories. Now, of course, I am aware that I am part of a wonderfully rich and diverse community of sex positive people, who share their thoughts and opinions, write amazingly hot stories and poems, and post fantastic photographs.  All of them amazingly talented, and I am proud to part of this world.

Anyway, it was St. Andrew’s Day on Thursday and, as you are probably aware, I am Scottish. And since, apparently, we Scots actually “invented” sex in the first place (thank you Microbrachius dicki), I thought it was only appropriate that I should take this opportunity to give a little publicity to those of us from North of the Wall. There may well be others out there that I have not yet discovered, so please let me know of any that I have missed.

(Naughty) Scotswha hae…

Share Our Shit

Here’s tae us
Wha’s like us
Damn few
And they’re a’ deid
Mairs the pity!

Sadly, not all of the above are still active, however, if you are Scottish and/or live in Scotland, and have a blog that you’d like included on this list, just leave me a comment below.

ZeN

Ssshhh! It’s A Secret…

Share Our ShitI’ve had a few chats about anonymity in the context of our community of late. It seems we occupy a very polarised section of reality.

There are some bloggers, who are pretty much “out”. I’m thinking along the lines of people like Molly Moore and Tabitha Rayne. Whether or not they use their real names or pen names, their identities are pretty much known. They show their faces, and other bits. They are out and proud.

Then there are the “halfways”. This time I’m thinking May More and Helen Scott. They use what may (or may not) be their real names. They blog openly about subjects that affect/interest them personally. They participate in (potentially) revealing memes like #SinfulSunday. And yet, for all that we know that both have cracking breasts, we don’t really know who they are; we never see their faces.

Finally, there are the “anons”. People like Girl on The Net and myself (not that I’m holding myself out as being in her league). For all that we frankly discuss the aspects of sex and sexuality that interest and/or concern us, we remain hidden behind pseudonyms, our identities hidden to all but a trusted few who have met and know us.

Now this, sadly, is quite understandable. While the activities we in the community discuss so freely are “normal”, so called polite society does not deem them suitable for public consumption. There are many people who would not approve of me if they knew I was a sex blogger.  I would almost certainly suffer professionally, despite the fact that the topics I write about are well within the bounds of what is considered to be normal human behaviour. It’s simply that, I write about a part of human behaviour that is conducted, for the most part, behind closed doors, and which, it seems, the majority of people would prefer not to be discussed at all.

Now, because I participate in #SinfulSunday, and occasionally post more explicit images on tumblr, it is, I guess, perceivable that my real identity could be gleaned by some sharp-eyed viewer. This is a risk I accept. Similarly, I enjoy meeting members of the community in real life and try to do so wherever my work travels take me. It is, after all, always nice to put a face to the boobs and/or arses I see every week. But every time I do so, I am entrusting them with my most precious secret, the real me. Of course, they are placing the same trust in me. There is, I guess you could say, an element of Mutually Assured Destruction in place.

Partially in jest, I once commented to Exposing40 that one of the bizarre things about our community is that often, the face is the last bit of each other that we see. It’s kind of inevitable I guess; It wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for us to meet up in a public location and try and identify each other by our naughty bits after all. That said, given that we would likely be the only people present with said naughty bits on display might make it a bit easier.

I fully accept and understand why those of us who blog openly about sex need to be protective of our identities, I just wish that now, in the 21st Century, such secrecy wasn’t required.

Which, finally, brings me to the point of this rambling post. \this community is what it is because of the wonderful people who contribute to it; the writers, the reviewers, the photographers, the bloggers, the readers, the commenters and the lurkers. We need to look out for each other. The more observant among you may have noticed this post is slightly more link heavy than usual and the reason for that is that we need to “Share our Shit!

Zen

Comparative Reality

Wicked WednesdayWhere does truth end and fiction begin?

I read this post  by the wonderful Girl on The Net recently, and if you haven’t read it, I can’t recommend strongly enough that you do so.

No.

Seriously.

Stop reading this and go and read her post, then if you can be arsed, you can come back here and finish reading this drivel.

Now, as anyone who follows her knows, GoTN. unlike me, is a woman and she writes freely about her sex life. If you have now read the post, you will have got the fact that while she writes honestly, she may, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes deliberately, change certain things and/or leave certain details out.  Does that make what she writes any less true? I don’t think so. And, after all, if she hadn’t told us, we’d all be none the wiser.

Now me, on the other hand, I dress things up. Yes, I can happily ramble on giving you my opinions (whether you want them or not) on everything from pubic hair, to why I enjoy cunnilingus, to why I will never give you a mark out of 10 for your blow-job skills, but when it comes to actual sex; actual people actually fucking, I mostly resort to writing fiction.

Now, I do happen to say on my stories site:

My writing is a mixture of experience and imagination in varying proportions.

And this is true. Well, kind of…

Some of my stories actually do correspond pretty closely to actual events. In others, the sex may be based on an actual shag, but I’ve changed the setting or the circumstances that led to it. In others, the sex scenes may be a distillation of the memories of a number of different shags, possibly with different partners, but I have chosen to weave them into one story, one scene.

And, of course, because it’s fiction, no one ever breaks wind when they roll over, the protagonists never spend 5 minutes swearing at each other because her hair has caught in his watch strap, no one ever accidentally gets elbowed or kneed somewhere painful as positions are changed, or gets a dead arm from lying in one position for too long supporting the weight of both partners.

In fiction, even when based on reality, the sex is idealised.

Some sex writers may include such details when regaling us with their real life exploits and adventures. GoTN is wonderfully frank in her writing, and does sometime choose to share snippets of such sex “fails” with us; but if she never alluded to them, would that make her “stories” any less true? In my opinion no. It might make them slightly less funny on occasion, but it doesn’t change the underlying event, in the same way that watching the Match Of The Day highlights doesn’t change the final score.

So, “truth” is true, and fiction can contain truth even when it’s not entirely true. Is one form of writing better than the other? I don’t think so. Even when not related to sex, I enjoy reading non-fiction as much as I enjoy reading fiction. It’s all down to the taste of the reader and the style (or lack thereof in the case of your truly) of the writer.

The truth can sometimes be stranger than fiction, but it can also be closely intertwined with it too.

ZeN

PS: The book that inspired this was, of course “How a Bad Girl Fell In Love” by none other than Girl on the Net herself.

Talking Dirty

#MasturbationMondayTRIGGER WARNING: This post will probably make me sound like a massive bellend/pious twat.

Filthy…

Dirty…

Illicit…

Sinful…

Wicked…

Bad…

All words that are frequently used to describe aspects of sex. Also words that are used in the names of some of my favourite blogs and blogging memes; blogs and memes that promote body/image/sex positivity.

Yet, despite all the good things about these, I have one niggling problem them; the names.

Now, I must emphasise that I am not having a go at the bloggers and writers involved. The problem isn’t with their blogs, or what they write, or the photos they post. After all, I participate in these memes, posting both my writing and photos. My problem is with the language. Not the language used by my fellow bloggers/writers you understand, just the language that has grown up around sex itself.

Now, when it comes to writing about sex, I am as “guilty” as everyone else; I describe it as dirty/filthy/naughty/etc. The problem is, the negative connotations of these words goes against the sex positive message we try to put forward. Somehow, while on the one hand seeming entirely apt, they also reinforce the message that there is something wrong with sex; that somehow we should feel shame for enjoying it and the pleasure it brings us.

And yet…

And yet, the use of such words is partially what makes it so much fun; it makes it seem like we’re doing something we really shouldn’t. Which is, of course bollocks. Of course we should be doing it. If we didn’t, none of us would be here to discuss it. And since we should be doing it, it only seems right that we should also enjoy it.

On the one hand it is great that the sex positive community is attempting to “reclaim” these words and make them positive but, on the other hand, are we not further entrenching the idea of “wrongness” about sex by doing so.

It’s a quandary. No less so because there are no “positive” words in our language that have the same delicious (ok, so there’s one) feel to them when describing the act. There is something primal and satisfying about words such as fuck, cock, cunt; it is their power to shock that illicits such strong emotions and feelings, and what would sex be without those.

So we are stuck with the bizarre juxtaposition that, while proclaiming to the world that sex is good, wholesome, healthy, natural fun, we do so by describing it as dirty, filthy, naughty, bad.

This is a bit of a rambling diatribe. I wish I had a satisfying conclusion (pun intended) to raise. I wish I didn’t sound like a complete berk. Are we right to be wrong, or is wrong being right? I don’t know, I really don’t.

It’s a contradiction, and one that everyone who writes positively about sex faces, but it’s the use of such language that makes our particular genre (and indeed, the act itself) so enjoyable.

What can I say? Sometimes humans baffle me.

ZeN

Nowhere To Hide

I am completely open about my illness. It is a part of me and, much as I would rather it were otherwise, it has played a major part in making me the person I am. It is such an ingrained part of me that I cannot even begin to imagine what life without it would be like. It never lets me forget. Even in those periods where I have the illusion of having it under some sort of control, when I am free from the worst symptoms, it is always there, lurking in the background, reminding me that it can return, without any warning at a time of its choosing.

Life is a daily battle. It’s a battle where the only “victory” to be had is to stave off total surrender and defeat. I know it’s a battle I can never win; the very best I can hope for is some soul-sapping rear-guard action – retreat, regroup, then retreat again.

It is tiring. Not just a physical tiredness, but an emotional tiredness, a spiritual tiredness; a tiredness that burrows its way into your very core.

There is no escape, nowhere to hide. There can be no hiding from your own mind. You are battling an enemy that knows everything about you, that knows your every weakness and how to exploit them. It’s an enemy that intimately knows every flaw in your character and can use them against you.

The darkness is real. You turn away from those who care about you because you are a burden and they deserve better than to have to put up with you.

At its worst, it is all-consuming; it’s not that you have depression, it is that you ARE depressed – depression has you. It becomes a whole body illness; physical as well as mental.

In my case, I find it hard to sleep, I lose my appetite, I lose my libido, I suffer headaches. In the worst cases, it has been known to manifest itself by giving me dental abscesses and then there are the violent tremors that afflict my right arm.

When the tsunami of depression hits, there is nothing really that can be done other than just go where it takes you. Trying to defy it is futile. Fighting it simply wears you down faster.

And that’s where I am just now. I am in the darkness. I am still falling. Getting to the end of each day doesn’t even feel like a win, it is just a statement of the fact that I am still here, and tomorrow the onslaught will begin again.

Every day, every hour, every moment is a battle in this on-going civil war of attrition inside my mind.

Respite is scarce. There is nowhere to hide from yourself.

ZeN

Private Parts

#MasturbationMondayAs anyone who writes about sex, or pens erotic stories will know, euphemisms abound. The terms we use to describe sexual acts and the erogenous zones of our bodies are too numerous to list. If you ever get stuck, I do recommend this particular post.

For the purposes of this post, I am concentrating on the names that we give to those intimate bits of our own and, where relevant, partner’s bodies. Personally, when it comes to the words I use for the various naughty bits of the human anatomy, I find a lot depends on the context.

So, starting with my own particulars…

Generally, my penis is my penis. I will sometimes, in the context of a photo, refer to it as my cock or dick, but by and large (cue childish sniggering), it’s my penis. What my partner calls it, is entirely up to them. If they wish to feel my cock, throbbing manhood, or other such ego-stroking term inside them, then I’m happy to oblige. I’ve commented on any number of occasions that I find the male reproductive organ faintly humorous, so I’m not going to get all angsty if the woman I’m with comes up with some joking term of endearment for it. So long as she it and she likes what I’m doing with it, and she is complimentary, she can call my tally-whacker whatever the hell she wants.

In the context of my writing, I tend to use “cock”. I simply prefer it to “dick” or “prick”. I will differentiate between the shaft and the head where it seems appropriate to do so. I will occasionally use words like “member” or “pole” etc., just for the sake of variety, but in the main, “cock” is my go to word of choice.

Now, lady-bits…

I’ve written before about the plethora of terms for the female erogenous zones; and again, context is key. When I’m with a woman, I generally use the language that she herself prefers to use. Some women have tits (not really a fan, but hey-ho), some have boobs; some women have a pussy (again, not my favourite), others have a cunt. Really, it depends on her chosen term for those bits of her body.

If I’m having a general discussion on the subject with someone (most usually a woman) I tend to use boobs/breasts and cunt/vagina, but again, I try to be sensitive to the other person’s sensibilities.

In my writing, if I’m being descriptive I would usually make a reference to the female character’s breasts (e.g. she had small/large/perky/full/firm breasts). For a woman’s genitalia, I tend to use cunt, but sometimes I will use sex; sometimes I will differentiate and refer to specific parts such as labia or clit.  When writing dialogue, I tend to try and reflect the fact that women use different names, so one female character might want her tits played with and her pussy fucked, whereas another might prefer her boobs to be caressed and her cunt filled. A lot depends on the coarseness  of the sex being written about and the level of detail I’m describing. Also, again, variation stops things getting repetitive so nothing is set in stone.

There are lots of words that can be used, and everyone has their own preferences. Ultimately, while the words used for those bits might not please everyone, what’s much more important is the way in which those bits are used and the enjoyment such use evokes.

ZeN