The Ex Factor

Wicked WednesdayI will freely admit, without any reservation whatsoever that I have, in fact, had sex with every one of my exes.

Now, while this statement is absolutely 100% truthful, it doesn’t actually take into account the fact that, at the time I was having sex with them, I was actually still in a relationship with the woman in question, and so, at that particular point in time, she had yet to actually become an ex. OK, so I accept, that is a huge technicality, but it doesn’t negate the truth of my opening statement.

The fact is, however, that I have never had sex with someone after I have stopped being in a relationship with them so that they have become, in fact, an ex.

Generally, this has been for entirely logical reasons.  In the case of my very first “proper” girlfriend, we moved apart when we left school and went our separate ways to University and, ultimately, met other people.  This was in the late 1980’s so there were no mobile phones, social media, or email to keep in near constant contact with. If anyone thinks long-distance is hard nowadays, imagine it in the pre-internet dark ages.

Another couple of relationships at university were short term and simply fizzled out after the initial novelty wore off.

And then, of course, there is “THE EX“, i.e. my ex-wife.

In total, we were together for 16 years and married for 12 of those. I was her “first” although, she had done pretty much everything else apart from intercourse with her previous boyfriend. I was slightly more experienced than she was by virtue of the partners mentioned above, but not by very much and the overwhelming majority of what I know about my sexual tastes, desires, preferences, attitudes and appetites were learned during those 16 years that I spent with her.

Our split, when it happened, was particularly hard. I still carry the scars of it some 12 years later. Oddly, however, even as the relationship itself fell apart, the one thing that remained absolutely great right up until almost the very end was, surprise surprise, the sex. We had drifted apart as people, to the point where we were two separate individuals living under the same roof as opposed to the unit we had been as a couple. We were, in fact, by this stage, also both having sex outside what remained of our relationship. All in all it was pretty toxic and was damaging my health, but when we fucked, for that brief interlude, everything clicked back into place.

I suspect it was the long and easy familiarity we had for each other’s bodies and the things that turned us on. There was also a very definite element of anger and resentment towards each other in the way we fucked that, perversely, just made the fucking even better while, at the same time, hastened the relationship’s final ending.

I’ve had a couple of relationships since we split, and she married the guy she was fucking behind my back.  All things considered, we are on reasonably good terms, although we only actually speak to each other when we absolutely have to.

Knowing how good the sex between us was, could I ever go back?

Simple answer, no. In the infinitesimally unlikely event that the possibility ever arose, I really don’t think that would be a good idea for either of us.

ZeN

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TMI Tuesday – Roll With It!

TMI TuesdayRoll With It!

  1. With whom would you like to take a bath?
  2. You are driving motorcycle hard down a country road, wind in your hair. Who is the hottie on the bike with you that you will be riding later?
  3. Baking naked–who is kneading your dough? 😉
  4. Come sail away, come sail away, come and sail away with me! Who is joining you for a sexy sea adventure?
  5. “I got your back.” Hands down who do you fully support, stick by no matter what, Who are you willing to help at all costs?
     
    I am kind of cheating this week but only for the simple reason that the answer to all five of the above questions is the same person. Yes, I know, it’s all a bit boring, but when you have that one special friend that you share many a wonderful sexual adventure with, they have to be first choice.

Bonus: Belly button– “inny” or “outty”? Are you going to show us? 😀
It is an “inny” and you can see plenty of evidence here.

ZeN

TMI Tuesday – Sexy Specifics

TMI TuesdaySexy Specifics

  1. What do you find sexiest in a woman?
    I’ve written about this before . I don’t think there is any one thing that makes a woman “sexy”. While physical appearance/attraction may be the initial hook, what draws us in and lands us is a combination of things; looks, personality, humour, attitude, confidence. A self-assured woman with a hint of vulnerability who can fuck me with her eyes before a word has been spoken is pretty much my kryptonite.
  2. What do you find least sexy in a man?
    Being male and boringly straight, the thing I find least sexy about men is that they are men.
  3. Have you ever been the other woman or man? Would you do it again?
    Yes, I have been the other man. It wasn’t the easiest or best situation, but we both knew where we stood and what we wanted out of it (basically sex). The sex was very good and there were no “deeper” expectations. Would I do it again? I suspect not. I hope I never find myself in circumstances that even come close to those I was in at the time. Having said that, I guess I can’t entirely rule the possibility out. The most accurate answer is probably that I have no intention of doing it again, but circumstances can change.
  4. Who puts more into a romantic relationship you or your significant other?
    I think both parties have to put similar amounts of work/investment into a relationship or, ultimately, it ceases to be a relationship. That’s not to say the effort is equal all the time, but it should average out so that there are no obvious imbalances.
  5. Do you have a work wife” or “office husband?
    No, but since I work from home, if I did, it would have to be my cat, which would just be weird.

Bonus: Are you in a healthy relationship? What makes you think so?
See the answer to Q4 above.

ZeN

Cheating

It’s one of those perennial “truth or dare” type questions that comes around now and again.

Have you ever cheated? If so, what were the reasons behind it, and how did you feel afterwards?

The honest answer to this question is: “Yes“. I’m not proud of the fact, despite the fact that some may say I had justification for doing so; but yes, I have cheated.

The circumstances, and I am not attempting to justify my actions, were difficult. My (then) wife had had at least three affairs that I was aware of. While not exactly turning a blind eye to such things, for the sake of my marriage and the fact that, despite this, I did love her, I was prepared to live with it. We were together for 16 years.

It was only in the last few, painful, months that I finally strayed myself.

Some might think it was a form of retaliation; it wasn’t. I didn’t actually go looking for someone else to have sex with, it just happened. The fact that the woman involved was, herself, married, only added to the generally fucked-upness of the situation.

I was at a pretty low place in terms of my depression (I had had a complete breakdown some months earlier) and I was flattered that, in my broken state, someone found me remotely attractive. The affair, such as it was, lasted about a year, continuing some six months after I eventually moved out.

Despite my circumstances, I still felt bad about it. Not because I’d held some moral high ground for sticking to my vows while my wife had flaunted hers, but because somehow I had become “that guy”; the one who uses his own sorry situation to get himself laid.

The sex, however, was very good. It filled a gap in what was left with the relationship with my wife. I didn’t feel guilty, nor did I feel a sense of vindicated retaliation. It was simply some very good sex, where there no longer was any sex at home (well, actually, there was sex going on at home, but it wasn’t me having it).

I still felt bad about it though.

Humans: we love to complicate things.

ZeN

No Strings?

Wicked Wednesday

Is it possible to have a long-term “no-strings” sexual relationship?

At a first glance, the question above seems like a fairly straightforward one. Looking at it more closely, it is a bit less so. To start with, what is actually meant by “no-strings”?

The chances are, if you are reading this, you have engaged in some sort of casual sexual activity at some point in your life; by which I mean sex that didn’t really mean much, but that was probably enjoyable enough because it was sex. Now, in my opinion, casual sex can absolutely be, “no-strings” attached. You see someone, you fancy them, they fancy you, you fuck them, you both walk away – no questions asked, no expectation of commitment; simply, if you are fortunate, a mutually sexually gratifying experience. If the experience was particularly enjoyable/satisfying, you might even choose to repeat it, but ultimately that’s as far as it goes.

The contradiction at the heart of the above question is “no-strings” and “relationship”; can this exist?

I’m going to define “sexual relationship” as one where the people involved are engaging in sexual activity on a fairly regular/frequent basis. The definition of “sexual activity” I will leave to the reader. Are there any “strings”?

Let’s break it down a bit.

By “strings”, do we mean feelings?

Well, the chances are, if we are continuing to have sex with someone over a longer term, there must be something about the sex with that person that is particularly enjoyable. There must be something about it that makes us feel good, that makes us want to have sex with that person again and again. On some level, concious or otherwise, the sex must meet some sort of need. To move from the casual/one-nighter to a “relationship”, there has to be something more than just the initial sexual attraction, the thing that made us want to fuck in the first place and makes us want to keep fucking each other.

Not only that, but sexual attraction itself can be hard to define. In the initial phase I suspect it is primarily physical. The chances are that we won’t really want to have sex with someone we aren’t actually attracted to (beware the beer-glasses). Attraction can, however, also be deeper; it can be intellectual, it can be emotional. In truth, longer lasting attraction is a combination of all of the above.

So are we talking emotions?

Let’s be honest, sex is a pretty emotional experience. Granted, from my own male perspective (and I don’t claim to speak for anyone else), at the point of orgasm, all I am thinking about is my own orgasm. I like to think of myself as a caring, unselfish partner, but in those final few moments I am not thinking about the person whose body I am inside; I am thinking about how good it feels, how long I can hold back. I am not thinking about the person I am having sex with. The brutal truth is that in those final exquisite moments, that person beneath me, or on top of me, or on their knees before me, could be absolutely anyone.

Having said that though, the emotional connection with my partner has contributed to me arriving at that particular moment, so it’s not that they are irrelevant.  Through foreplay and arousal, through the sexual acts we’ve performed together, they have brought me to this point; I wouldn’t be having the particular orgasm in question without them. However, at the point of orgasm, my most basic, primal, animal brain takes over and I am simply fucking. Not fucking any one person in particular; just fucking.

So are we talking love?

Now that’s the biggie, and for some people, I suspect, the crux of this question. To me, love is an emotion just like any other. It comes in different forms. There is the love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for your significant other/soul-mate. Love and sex however, certainly for me, have never been synonymous. I have not had sex with everyone I have loved and I have not loved everyone I have had sex with.

I also have a kind of “Golden Rule”; namely that I don’t fuck my friends.

This is, of course, an oversimplification. I have had a number of, what might be called, “Friends with Benefits” relationships. In every case however, the “with Benefits” bit came first and the “Friends” grew out of that. In the main, these friendships have continued even after the “benefits” came to an end.What I have never done, however, is moved someone the other way.

So, given that I can form friendships with people I have sex with, is this a string?

I have had casual sex, I have had friends with benefits sex and I have had loving/soul-mate sex. The latter two have always been more enjoyable than the former, largely because there is some sort of connection between me and the person I’m having sex with. Having said that, I wouldn’t rate the sex I’ve had in the “loving” sense as being better than the sex I’ve had in the “friendly” sense so, for me at least, love isn’t the determining factor.

So what about commitment?

Now that, for me, finally, may be the difference. When you are having sex with someone in a “committed” relationship, there are certain “responsibilities” that go with it. Unless your relationship is open/poly, there is often an expected commitment of exclusiveness; the whole “forsaking all others unto thee…” bit. Understandable because the whole love/sexual jealousy thing can be a very powerful emotional cocktail in humans. For me, this is where “Friends with Benefits” differs from the life-mate/soul-mate sexual relationship; it is the ability to detach that “requirement” for exclusivity, it is the ability to recognise that while we enjoy the sex that we have together, we are also free to explore and enjoy sex with other people. We can do this because sex, far from being the ultimate sign of commitment to each other, is just one of the myriad experiences that humans enjoy. In my own “Friends with Benefits” relationships, I/we have  even been able to talk openly about the sex we have with others, because we’ve recognised that sex is something that we enjoy doing simply because we enjoy doing it, and not because we have to do it just with each other.

So, in a very long-winded way, my answer to the original question is “Yes”; yes it is possible for “no-strings” sexual relationships to exist. The key is to identify what the particular relationship actual means to the people in it.

ZeN

In The Mind

#MasturbationMondayTo me, the question as to which is the most important sexual organ is, if you’ll pardon the mixed oxymoron, a no-brainer.  It is the mind that interprets the stimuli received by our senses, it is the mind that generates desire. It is our mind that creates the eroticism of words and images, and it is our mind that dictates our responses. Different parts of my body are assigned different tasks; my lips are assigned the task of kissing you, my tongue gets then task of licking you, my fingers get the job of caressing you and my cock gets given responsibility for fucking you. It is, however, my mind that is control of each action; orchestrating and coordinating the sensual whole.

I will admit that I used to use contact/hook-up sites (Twitter isn’t really one of those, now, is it?). The biggest and most common complaint from women using these sites was about the lack of originality/imagination shown by the male users. All too often, it seems, “communication” from us men was a picture of our cock and a well thought out, highly eloquent one-liner, that went along the lines of: “hey babe, wanna fuk u.” Now, I am sure there are some women out there who appreciate this direct approach, but for the most part, given that these sites are a buyer’s market, with women very much the “buyers”, most, I think, preferred a little more effort than simply stating the blindingly obvious, i.e. that we wanted to fuck. There was, after all, a bit of a clue in the nature of the sites we were using.

Now for me, the whole “stimulate her mind and her body will follow” philosophy was part of the reason I started writing erotic fiction. It was a way of demonstrating that I am articulate, imaginative and, in a way, it gives a certain insight into the kind of things, sexually, that I enjoy.  In the context of hook-up sites, at some point during the correspondence, assuming I’d piqued their initial interest by not leading with my cock and by stringing a couple of paragraphs together, I could ask if they liked such stories and, if the answer was yes, point them in the direction of my site (well, it’s predecessor to be strictly accurate).

Surprisingly (or not), my approach did sometimes succeed. I’m not saying it was my writing that got me laid, but it was the fact that I’d taken the time to think about the person I was contacting, show that I’d taken an interest in what they had to say, and shown that I could think coherently about more than what was (if all went well) the desired and pleasurable (for her as well as me, I hope) endgame.

Mental stimulation, whilst vital in the initial making an impression stages, is no less important when you are in a relationship.  For me, part of foreplay is the drawn out flirting/sexting that goes on between us when we are not together.  This usually starts pretty much after we have seen each other, and continues almost right up until the moment we are next together. Time is often short, and so much of the “preparation” is done before we even see each other.

Being able to think sexy, and, more importantly, making the other person think sexy is, for me at least, a key part of the sex we have. Yes, it can lead to frustration, but it is a lot of fun being to turn someone on when you aren’t in their presence, and the frustration can be relieved when you do finally see each other. There is something wonderful about being able to build and maintain arousal and desire over a number of hours, days, even weeks if required, using just words from your imagination, telling her exactly what I intend to do, and what I want her to do. Knowing that she is wet and aching for me from just the words I have sent her, telling her of my hunger for her is, of itself, hugely arousing.

It is the equivalent  of edging her mind with mine.

So my advice, had I been inclined to give it to those “Ugh! Wanna Fuk!” guys, and thus increase the competition for the more articulate out there, would have been, if you really want to get into her knickers, you should try getting into her mind first.

ZeN

Sexy

Wicked WednesdayBeauty, they say, is only skin deep. Sexy, on the other hand, goes right to the core. So what do we mean by sexy? Is it appearance, is it an attitude, or is it just some unfathomable quality that you see in someone?

Humans are a visual species, so it is impossible, I think, to completely divorce sexiness with physical attractiveness, but in my opinion, the two are not inextricably linked. While everyone has their own “standards” of what they find attractive in another person, simply finding them attractive does not necessarily mean that you also find them sexy.

Sexy is something more than just the physical. It may be an attitude, but what attitude?

Many people say they find confidence sexy; I’m one of them. At the same time, however, I would also say that I find a sexiness in vulnerability too.

I think much depends on the person; it also depends on the circumstances, and the situation.

In a club, the way someone moves when the dance may make them sexier than the other members of their group. The way someone smiles, the way they angle their head to listen and talk to you. The way they dress. The degree of confidence/hesitation they display. Our brains are constantly picking up these signals and analysing them.

So, is sexy just a chemical reaction in our brains?

Like all things human, sexy is subjective and, I think, highly individual. What I find sexy in a certain person, others may not. What one person finds sexy about me, others may be turned off by.

For me, it is a combination of looks and personality. I’ll be honest and admit that the physical attraction catches my attention, but it is the personality/attitude that ultimately piques my interest. Just because there may be a recognition of physical attractiveness does not mean that I automatically find a person sexy.

In this age of online friendships, sometimes the physical is actually the last thing we see, and yet, somehow, we can still engage in “sexual” stimuli; there is something that we find (for the want of a better term) sexy about that person that shapes the way we interact with them.

So while beauty and sexy may not be the same thing, they are very much, I believe, both in the eye/mind of the beholder.

ZeN

Oral Sex – The Be And End All?

The Oral Sex Project So, this teaser was posted on Twitter recently:

“Would you stay in a sexual relationship if oral sex was totally off the table?”

At a first glance, this seems like a very simple question, but give it some thought, and there are all sorts of ramifications behind it.

Firstly, there is the nature and context of the “sexual relationship” itself.

For me, sex is about what pleases both partners. If the sex was part of a deeper emotional relationship, then the absence of oral sex possibly wouldn’t really be a factor. If that were the deal breaker within the relationship, then it would have to be in a pretty bad place to begin with.

A good sex life is an important factor in a committed relationship, but it is only one factor. There are so many other things that are equally or more important, such us the emotional support you give each other. So, in this context, if oral sex was off the cards and, assuming every other aspect of the relationship (including the actual sexual activities we did enjoy) were fine, then yes, I would stay. In the same way, oral sex is only one component of a sex life. For me, it is quite an important factor (I’ll go into this in more detail later), but it is only one. There are many other activities that can be combined to make a full and enjoyable sexual encounter. The presence or absence of any one of them probably isn’t a factor as it is all about what feels right and good in the moment and in the context of that encounter.  So, in this context, if oral sex was off the cards and, assuming every other aspect of the relationship (including the actual sexual activities we did enjoy)

If on the other hand, the relationship was purely casual, purely about the sex then, since oral sex (particularly giving – but again, more of that later) is something that I particularly enjoy, then I suspect the relationship would not be sufficiently satisfying for me to stay in it.

Then, of course, there is the issue of whether by oral sex being off the cards, we are referring to giving, receiving, or both.

I’m a guy. It goes without saying that I do love getting a blow-job and, as the old adage goes, even the worst one I’ve ever had was fantastic. Having said that however, when it comes to oral sex, giving is actually far more important to me than receiving.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love getting my cock sucked. If the woman I am with offers to suck my cock, it is unlikely in the extreme that I am going to refuse her. I love the sensations and I love the intimacy, but when all is said and done, my penis enjoys any form of stimulation that the woman I’m having sex with bestows upon it.

#MasturbationMondayCunnilingus is, however, one of my favourite things. I’ve been complimented enough on my abilities to consider it one of my sexual talents. As a lover, so much of my sexual pleasure derives from the pleasure I am giving my partner and, at the risk of sounding big-headed, I’ve never been with someone who didn’t enjoy my tongue.

I enjoy sex, all of sex, but if I know that the woman I’m with is enjoying it, I enjoy it even more; it’s a sort of virtuous circle. The more she enjoys it, the more I enjoy it, the harder I work to ensure she enjoys it even more.

In this respect, if a relationship that is purely just about the sex, is ever going to be more than just a one-off, if she’s not a fan of giving head, I can probably live with it, if she doesn’t like receiving it, then it is cutting off a major source of my enjoyment of sex and so, it’s probably never going to go anywhere.

Yes, maybe that sounds a bit shallow, but life is short and sex is meant to be enjoyed by both participants, and we can’t all be sexually compatible with everybody.

So, back to the original question, would I stay in a sexual relationship if oral sex was of the cards?  The simple answer is, it depends on the relationship.

ZeN

White Lines

#MasturbationMondayIf porn is to be believed, the cumshot is the absolute epitome of the male climax, the Crème de la Crème of the male sexual experience. It seems we men are incapable of achieving orgasm inside the body of a woman. We just can’t help ourselves, it seems; as soon as we reach the point of no return, we simply have to whip our cocks out of whatever hole they have been pounding, and deposit our load all over the face, neck, boobs, tummy, arse of the object of our carnal desires.

Sometimes, I think the whole “mainstream” porn industry is some sort of advert for the Catholic Church’s Family Planning Unit. Cue:

“Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm gets wasted, God gets quite irate…”

Given that there are around 8 billion of us on this planet, it certainly highlights the inadequacy of coitus interruptus as a form of contraception; but, I digress…

Now here’s the rub (pun possibly intended); when it comes to shooting my load, I actually like to be directed by the recipient of it. If she wants me to cum hard inside her, then that’s what I’ll do. If she wants me to unload in her mouth, then I’m up for that. If she wants me to erupt all over her an then rub it in, then I will happily oblige. If she wants some combination of all of the above, I’ll try my best but I can’t promise. It may require more than one shot at it…

Actually as an aside, and as someone who believes in safe sex, the majority of my sexual relationships, have been  what you could call “condom relationships”, so, with very few exceptions, cumming inside her actually involves cumming inside the condom, but that’s a minor technical point.

There is,in my opinion, something incredibly hot in seeing my lover streaked with my cum; it adds a particular stamp to the proceedings. I’ve never been with someone who wanted me to give them a facial, but any number of women that I’ve “entertained” have enjoyed me shooting forth over their boobs.

As Girl on the Net said in her post, I like to ask the woman where she wants it. I also love it when the woman chooses, completely unsolicited, to tell me where she wants me to cum. One of the hottest experiences I have ever had is when the woman I was with took me to the edge with her mouth, wanked me off over her boobs, then asked me to rub it in while I ate her out. For some strange reason, that got me hard again very quickly. There is something insanely hot about seeing her lying there with a dreamy well fucked contentedness on her face, wearing the mark of our passion proudly on her skin.

That said, the visual aesthetics of her wearing my load on her boobs, seeing it dribble from her cunt, or watching her lick it from her lips are all visual, post-climactic treats. At the point of orgasm, I’m not really caring about such niceties; if I’m concentrating on anything at all during those few moments of release it is on sensations of said release alone, not where it is ending up.

Do I have any preference as to the ending? Simple answer: no, not really. Whilst ejaculation isn’t something I can take absolutely 100% as a given, it happens more often than not. When it happens, it’s the act of release that brings pleasure.

So, with that in mind,  for me, the best place to cum is wherever she wants me to…

ZeN

Word for Wednesday – Dispirited

Dispirited

/dɪˈspɪrɪtɪd/
adjective

  1. low in spirit or enthusiasm; downhearted or depressed; discouraged

For me, I generally find that this almost my default setting. I wake in the morning feeling anything but refreshed. I have no enthusiasm for the coming day. I drag myself along through a mixture of instinct and routine.

To the outside world, it makes me seem distant, impassive, cold, possibly uncaring. If I’m being honest, there are times when that is exactly what I wish I could be. If I didn’t care, it wouldn’t matter how I felt. If I could retreat from view, I wouldn’t need to wear my mask.

It’s not a sense of defeat. Defeat by its very nature implies a commitment of effort that was insufficient to overcome the challenge. It is more a sense of despondency, a shoulder shrug to the world, a sort of indifference, divorced from the the outside world.

Of course, we are never completely detached, no matter how much we would wish to be in our darkest phases; and we do care. It’s a caring that leads to more pain, because there is a sense of helplessness, a sense of being a burden.

Is it any wonder we become dispirited?

ZeN